Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
