I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
