Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
