where am i from again
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
