If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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