just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
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