I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
