I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
