I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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