We named our party play list daddy issues
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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