i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
