I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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