moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
