We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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