Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
