You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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