I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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