wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just found a bag of teeth...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
