Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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