batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
