Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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