Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Even my vagina gasped.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
