Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize