420 ftw
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
