There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
