Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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