how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize