Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
