the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize