everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
