Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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