He asked to "fluff my boner.."
one might say we're banned from that church
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
