i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
