I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
As shirtless as possible
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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