The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
