I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
