my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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