He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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