they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Randomize
