Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
