allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
