Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I will be naked everywhere
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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