apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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