Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
