I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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