her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
