I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
