I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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