Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
