At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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