"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
