i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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