My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
