My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
People with herpes should wear stickers.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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