dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
