Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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