She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize