About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
